Questions: Stuntman

I wonder –

Do I feel like I identify as trans is because of the research that I’ve done has put thoughts into my head or if it’s as if I’ve been given the keys to unlock how I feel?

Did I want to be a boy when I was younger? There’s some supporting evidence but I was fairly nonchalant about gender. I did want to be a stuntman after all. In all seriousness, I remember my first sexual fantasies with me playing the part of a male.

Am I grasping at straws?

I think I have found the right words to call myself because when I see myself in the mirror I feel one step closer to seeing an accurate depiction of myself. I see an Adonis-type figure who lives largely beyond, but often caught up with, gender. I see a native son with a big heart who wants to love and be loved…who really just wants to see positive change in his community.

His… My.

Some of my friends have begun to alternate pronouns with me and I think it’s a good start. My “older brother” knows what’s up and sees me for who I am. He might even get where I am better than I do right now.

My big revelation today was that discovering this new frontier doesn’t mean that I have to go around thinking about how much of a man I am. I believe doing so would actually defeat the purpose. The purpose being, of course, to establish an identity that is more natural than the one you were born into. I read once that someone identified as FTM and genderqueer and I couldn’t make any sense out of it. I understand exactly what he meant now. Being both of those things stays true to the rejection of the gender binary while stating a natural preference to live as male. I understand this because I reject the gender binary but feel completely foreign to the idea of identifying as female.

These are just thoughts. One step at a time.

One Response to “Questions: Stuntman”
  1. Good luck, honey. *hugs*

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