Chaos Shrugged

It’s always nice to hear that things aren’t as out of control as they seem. I had my first counseling appointment in a year yesterday. I’m back with the same counselor I had before which seems like a minor miracle. It took a really long time to talk myself into going back to counseling. And of course by going back to I mean just making the first call, but as my dear friend said, ‘you open boxes when you can’. I found it bizarre listening to myself explain my third (and hopefully final) coming out process to my counselor. Most everything I say sounds like I’m absolutely sure of myself and stable. I need to dig deeper when I speak about this because that is certainly not the whole truth.

A lot has changed since I wrote last. I have told many more of my friends of my trans identity and an increasing number of people are using male pronouns with me. I suppose the most exciting part comes with my recent introduction to the bar scene and being hit on as a boy. (Giggle. Fun times.) Dating is so far off my mind right now but buying a pretty face a drink or two can’t hurt, right?

The most monumental event since my last post, resuming counseling aside, was telling my dear friend/ ex. I was the most nervous about telling her and it was every bit as scary as I imagined. I hesitated and cried and she held my hand, becoming more supportive than I ever imagined a friend could be. I was worried that telling a former girlfriend that I identify as trans would cause the sky to fall out but it didn’t. Instead I found that our friendship is even more beautiful than I thought. How cool is that? She will never fully understand how much her support and friendship means to me. It really blows me away.

For me, coming out as transmale is not about becoming a man, but a more true version of myself. Every identity I have held in my life has progressed forward to this and, in a way, identifying as trans feels like the beautiful synthesis of them all.

Life is a wonderful journey, my friends. Forward!

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