School Days

Last night was extraordinarily difficult and it’s hard to put a finger on the reason why. Like all recent periods of frustration though, it was certainly fueled in part by the usual suspect – trans issues. Being transgender is a beautiful thing but it certainly comes with it’s hardships. I’m currently in a physically awkward state and I’m still coming out to the majority of my schoolmates and professors (and parents notwithstanding).

In one of many attempts to calm myself down last night I wrote a letter to me at 25. By 25, I believe I will have been through a few years of hormone therapy and will be completely and totally out to everyone. I assumed this to be the case when writing this letter. Ultimately, I found the process to be helpful and amusing so I’m including it in this post.

Lastly, I apologize for the lack of posts as of late. I pledge to reform.

Dear Elias,

You’re 25 – how does it feel? You have a college degree, a dog, a big boy job and a beard. Is it as scruffy as I imagine?

Things are tough here in 2010. Every item of clothing betrays what nature stuck me with and my rate of passing is pathetic. Fortunately, I have as many allies as I have friends. I hope that is the same for you too. Hopefully your giant hips have melted away and mirriors don’t make you cry any more… I hope you cry sometimes. Cry for me at least : cry for all the times that I cannot.

I’m starting my last year of college tomorrow. I can’t wait to touch base with you on how it went. I hope your degree hangs proudly on your wall. I hope you use it for good and never to separate yourself from others.

I bet that the Outsource is still doing well though no longer in your charge. It moves in fits and starts right now. I hope you learned how to delegate tasks somewhere in there.

I hope you’ve stopped scheduling yourself into the ground and realized that the weight of the world can be shared by many shoulders. I hope that you’ve stopped hurting yourself when things get bad. I write this letter to you with fresh burns on my arm. I hope they are the last.  I’m currently learning that the hours I spend doing everything for everyone are only worth it if I stop when it starts hurting me. Of course I’m learning this the hard way; please tell me it stuck.

I hope you still think about Jessi every time you get in a car. I hope you’ve gotten your friends to stop texting and driving. I hope YOU bought a helmet that you actually want to wear.

Elias Aaron, please have stayed true to your heart and have followed where it led you. Please remember where you came from and the strength you have that brought you this far. You have a charisma that attracts wonderful people to you. I hope that they are all still in your world and that you would do anything for them. I hope they know that.

I hope you are out to everyone. I pray that you’ve reconnected with those that you ran away from when you decided that they wouldn’t understand. I hope that, through all of this, you’ve remembered how to love and trust and that you started with yourself. I hope that you still have a beautiful heart. I hope that you’re still alive.

I hope that you have that tattoo that I’ve always wanted and that there is still music in your heart. Is your birth certificate changed? Do you still live in the same white-walled apartment that holds so much promise? Did you install the library-style ladder in the kitchen? It would be a shame to waste that much cabinet space. I trust that you have made it this far in good faith and good practice – don’t prove me wrong.

21-year-old me is looking forward to meeting you the most when I break down over things that won’t matter to you. Please help me remember this.

Do you still talk to your parents? Do they respect you? The last visit home was a witch hunt; did they give you a reason to trust them again? I hope you’ve reconnected with the family that your parents were ashamed to let you know. I hope the whole family knows that you’re a big queer tranny. I hope your father stops being emotionally abusive and that you’ve continued to own how that shaped you.

Elias, I love you because I can see you smiling when I close my eyes. I know you to be the proud person and steward of the earth that’s cracking out of this shell right now. I hope that you’re still mildly awkward, shamelessly nerdy, and relentlessly giving. I hope your heart has opened to romantic love a time or two. I really hope that you’ve started going to synagogue.

Elias, please remember me on the other side. Seven years ago you believed in music and yourself and it carried you to 21, honestly and unapologetically you. You are beautiful. Please continue to believe in your community and yourself. I hope you’re happy. Say a little prayer for me. I’ll see you soon.

-Elias the younger

One Response to “School Days”
  1. Hannah says:

    I’m not trans so I can’t relate on every level but I can relate on some, having recently come out to my parents about my sexuality I’ve endured witch hunts at home too.
    I hope that all goes right in your corner of the world. That everything you hope to happen will. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will because you believe in it so firmly. You’re not alone. There are people out there than can and do love you for who you are and who you’re becoming.
    Good luck to you, Elias.

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