Between My Pillow and the Sleeping World: Dreaming Towards Clarity

Scena: A Few Dreams Ago

I’m in a tight white t-shirt, pecs flexed, devilishly handsome. I’m running through some plant with a ladder under my arm to access something that I must disarm to keep the town safe from peril. (It’s nice to know that my brain stills dreams of being a superhero.) I reach the control room to find a large number of my dear friends, including many that I have not seen in far too long. One of them, a best friend from high school, appears and I run to embrace her. Throwing my arms open mid-run I inadvertently boob-gaze her. She tells me so and I say ‘Oh sorry – But it’s not like they do much for me these days anyways.”

In other dreams I tell people about my identity as a transboy and explain it in the most eloquent way that is just out of reach when I open my eyes. I beg for the words back from my subconscious but they stay buried between my pillow and the sleeping world. Maybe they’re in ‘store’ for future use? One can only hope.

Still in others dreams I am in a biologically male body rapt in the act of boy on boy sex. I wake up with a smirk and swish. More and more I find that my dreams support the breadth of my reality. If I could take film stills and display them for clarity I would be that much closer to the concise explanation of my identity. In typing this though, I pause to ask – would I ever want it to be concise?

Tomorrow I will give a presentation to our local PFLAG group on the gender spectrum. This is a solid topic for me because I feel as though I know the spectrum intimately. My identity has travelled and evolved along its curves to challenge my own opinions and smash the social constructs of others’. I am humbled when I find that my story is valuable to others and I am given the chance to speak about it. I am encouraged when asked to share my experience too because it means that one more person knows what it’s like to be transgender in a world built for two. Hopefully my words will link together tomorrow to start a dialog on gender and society and reality: three separate systems forced to interact and coexist. It is my mission to share my dreams and my soul with everyone that I can capture as an audience so that I may challenge them to think beyond the dominant paradigm.

On a mostly unrelated note, today is my mother’s birthday. While my parents have yet to contact me (outside of a forwarded email) since I sent them my letter, I wish them well and hope they will soon find their own peace. Many thanks to my mother for bringing me into this world so that I may dream boldly and write loudly. Happy Birthday, Mom.

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