Go Tell It on the Mountain: T-minus One Week

I always felt like nothing. As a child, I dressed like children do. Played the games that children play. Did the things that children do. It was hardly because I was raised to be a ‘girl’. Now, with a week away until having my first appointment to start hormone therapy, I think back to those days and the person that I have grown into.

My gender was nothing as a child. I was a child. I did not become a woman; I became awkward, then religious, then nerdy, then heretical, then a musician, then more awkward. I did not fit into my own skin. I did not know peace. I do not have the trans narrative that many other people do. I did not feel like a boy from day one. Puberty baffled me because it signified the end of innocence, not initiation into social expectations of gender. Social expectations of gender never fit me.

So I carved out my own.

“Transgender Boy!” I shout from the mountain tops, “If you must, that is which I would want for you to call me. But if you’d please, just call me friend.” When we talk about gender it is important for me that you know that I’m transgender. The one they handed me at birth didn’t work out – and how could they really know then? Because some biological standard led them to believe that girl would fit? The ‘fairer sex’ was fairly accurate as from it was born the swishiest boy you ever did see. I talk about gender all day long but it’s more than that. We’re talking about physical sex and the body that gives me panic attacks. I rarely mention it because I feel like it’s understood.

I spent so long telling people I was on the edge of something beautiful.

I soon found that I am not on the edge but in the middle of it. This is just the next step.

I am no less committed to ending sexism and oppressive gender structures because I am transitioning. Hormones will not strip away my convictions. My heart will be the same. My path has included many events and ephianies that has led me here to you today.

Heart in my hand and proverbial tears in my eyes I thank G_d for the support that I have and the love that is in my life. It was this love and support that got me here in the first place. May I be able to show all of you the same grace you have shown me.

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Comments
3 Responses to “Go Tell It on the Mountain: T-minus One Week”
  1. Arianna says:

    Beautiful. Just like you! I wish you luck 🙂

  2. Arianna says:

    I know, me too!! Although I wish ‘Lady Hammer Pants’ was a little more…exciting! HA! Such is life…

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