In sorting through the thoughts in my head as my eyes close for the evening a vision of the future dances through my mind. You see, my beard is finally growing in in a predictable pattern and the thought of growing a full mountain man beard intoxicates me. In this thought I catch the flash of a more muscled, post-top surgery, fully bearded me gently caressing the face of a beautiful woman nestled in the white linens covering my bed. It is visions like these that have carried me this far and remind me that the future holds so much promise.

I remember imagining how things would be once I started hormones. Hours dropped off the clock as bad digital images multiplied on my old point and shoot camera. click, delete, change angle. repeat. I would search over and over again for the image that had my true face buried deep in the pixels. It worked.

When I was twenty I wrote a letter to myself at twenty five. I begged myself to go to temple and to stop working myself into the ground. I asked to not make the same mistakes in relationships and to remind my friends how beautiful they are. Next year my letter will be delivered to “Elias the Older.” I wonder what he’ll have to say.

Between now and then I have the goal to raise the rest of the money I need to finally get top surgery so I may stand tall and peacefully in my body. I’m at $1,200 right now through with $5,800 to go. We never stop growing and transitioning in our lives but most of us don’t have an astronomical price tag attached to filling in our skin. If you haven’t yet, I ask you to check out my campaign and donate. With your help I’ll be able to write that letter to me at thirty with the knowledge of the past five years well spent.


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